Of Loneliness and Guilt
by ghostly.soul.of.a.writer
Summary: oneshot. Sakura centred. Mentions of yaoi. Mentions of death. Onesided SasuSaku. The life of a ninja is lonely. We all fall to our graves with a heart full of regret and guilt. We all die sinners with stained souls…And I am no different.


**I think I'm turning into a 1****st****-person-aholic . Not good! I also seem to be turning into a one-shot queen lol. But I AM working on a multi chap, I'm just to busy to get into it atm…**

**The idea popped into my head during bio a few days ago. It was meant to be a small drabble around 500 words, but turned into this lol.**

**I was thinking of adding more chaps to this, like each chapter a different person reflecting on their guilt or loneliness. Kakashi, Naruto, Sasuke, Jiraiya etc etc. what do ya think, yes or no?**

Warnings: mentions of yaoi, mentions of sex, onesided SasuSaku, mentions of death, spoilers for ep 108, 135(I think) and 220 of the anime. 

**Disclaimer: Gah...to tired and depressed to think of one…don't own any of the characters or places mentioned….woe is me…**

**Key: ****Konohagakure - Leaf Village**

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In the academy we are warned of many things; we are warned that our first kill will be messy and devastating, we are warned that a ninjas life is never safe, and we are warned that we may die young and never marry.

They also tell us of how one day we may be left alone in life; that one day everyone one we love will be hurt and perhaps even killed no matter how strong of a ninja they are. But they fail to tell you just how lonely you will be, just how hollow you feel when everyone you love is gone.

Sasuke left when we were thirteen. My heart broke that night, but my pain was nothing compared to Naruto's. He dedicated the rest of his life to finding Sasuke, I think in the end, finding Sasuke became more important than becoming Hokage.

Neither of us really recovered from Sasuke's betrayal, but after a while, I learned to capture the pain of losing my only true love and locked it deep within my soul. I tried to love others, but the locked up pain wouldn't allow my heart to belong to anyone but Uchiha Sasuke. It stayed locked up for a long time, never forgotten but no more then a dull ache – that was until his death.

Naruto left me next. He had trained hard and after spending two years training with Jiraiya-sama, he worked his way up quickly through the levels until finally he reached the status of ANBU and joined Konoha's small band of Hunter-nin's. He learned what he could off of them before disappearing without a trace. Tsunade-sama couldn't bring herself to add Naruto to the list of missing-nins, so he was declared MIA even though he had disappeared while off duty.

I knew where he really was – hell, everyone who knew Naruto knew where he had run off too! He had gone to fulfil a promise he had made years ago…although weather he had gone for the wellbeing of his own heart and feelings or for mine, I didn't know at the time. But it soon became apparent.

Two months after his disappearance, Naruto returned to Konohagakure. He looked tired and much worse for wear, but he was alive and that's all that I cared about. But something was wrong. He refused to talk to anyone for days and became quick to anger: almost knocking Kiba out when the man pestered him about his disappearance. Eventually he started to talk again, but still something was wrong, he lost that spark that made him capable of lighting up a room, and his once life-changing and encouraging words lost all meaning.

Eventually Naruto disappeared again, returning once again a month later. This continued on and on for almost a year. Every time Naruto would come home covered in cuts and bruises, his clothes slightly torn and dirty. I saw the bites, bruises and cuts on his neck. I knew what was going on, but refused to see what was as plain as day. Instead I played dumb and tried to question him but he never answered, he always changed the subject or withdrew into himself and refused to talk to me. I was losing him slowly and it hurt like hell.

One day he left and never came back….

We soon found out from certain sources that the Akatsuki had still been after Naruto and had found him. The thing was, they had found him tangled in a mess of clothes and sheets with Sasuke. Uchiha Itachi had become enraged at the site of his little brother doing such a 'disgusting and unnatural thing' with another man and had attacked Sasuke. Naruto had fought to save both himself and Sasuke, but in the end, Itachi had been too strong and the two lovers had died together.

I think part of me had always known Sasuke was never to be mine, but I had lived in denial. To hear of him and Naruto having sex - to hear of them being in _love – _was too much to come to grips with and I broke down. Naruto had been my best friend, a brother even, and Sasuke has been my hearts desire…to lose them both at once, in two separate ways…It was a loneliness I could never describe. The pain I kept locked away leaked out and I soon became a broken woman.

Soon after I lost Tsunade-sama as well. She couldn't handle Naruto's murder, she had already lost too many of those she cared for, and Naruto was no exception. So she, along with Jiraiya-sama and a few others who cared for Naruto such as Lee, Kakashi-sensei, Iuka-sensei, Kiba, Hinata, Shikamaru, and Neji, had launched a full-fledged attack against the Akatsuki. I had wanted to go with them, I had begged and pleaded, but Tsunade-sama had deemed me too mentally unfit to fight such a dangerous battle just yet, and so I was left behind as the others went off to battle in Naruto's honour.

Only Shikamaru and Kakashi came back…

Even Kakashi-sensei left me eventually. After Tsunade-sama's death he became Rokudaime – a position that should have been Naruto's and no one else's – and so we saw less and less of each other. Eventually we only saw each other when we crossed paths when a report was needed on a patient from the hospital.

Time flew on but still the loneliness in my heart grew, and the pain slowly subsided back into it's locked box in my soul, but still it throbbed and ached with every thought of those I'd lost. I eventually took over the hospital and my reputation as a medic grew. But I was always a broken woman, never truly healing, and never moving on…my heart would always belong to Uchiha Sasuke.

Eventually Kakashi had been forced on to his deathbed. The Sharingan was never meant for those without Uchiha blood and the use of such an eye had worn away his lifespan. He announced me as his successor just before he died. His only other whispers were insane rambles of his past and a boy called Obito. He apologised again and again to this Obito, and then to a girl called Rin. He also apologised for allowing Sasuke to turn to darkness, and for not saving Naruto from following Sasuke, nor Tsunade from the Akatsuki. I accept them all with the grace and kindness excepted of me, after all, it is not entirely his fault, nor Naruto's, Sasuke's, or Tsunade-samas…I am to blame as well.

Kakshi-sensei died a lonely man, with only me, a former student, by his side.

Those around me who were still left in my life have grown and changed, most marring and bearing children. I watch with longing eyes, the only family I have ever had has gone. My parents died a few years back, and my adoptive family – Kakashi, Naruto, and Sasuke – have turned into mere scratch on my heart.

I am the Nanadaime no Hokage now. I watch over this village with the pride and protectiveness Naruto would have expected of me. A photo of my childhood team sits on my desk, along with another of Naruto and I just after we graduated as Jounin.

I keep them as reminders that every ninja has a guilty heart. I am reminded that I am no exception. I could have saved Sasuke-kun, I could have saved Naruto, but I didn't. Instead I played the fool and lived in denial, I never took matters into my own hands, instead passing the burden onto Naruto.

I always wanted to be stronger and be of more use to my teammates. After training with Tsunade-sama I thought I had achieved my goal, after all brought down a member of the Akatsuki with the help of Chiyo-obaasama. But I was wrong. I never once helped my teammates since my fight alongside Chiyo-obaasama. I never once saved them. In fact I did the opposite, I sat back and watched as one by one they died before my eyes.

So now I am trying to make up for it. I watch over Konohagakure just as Naruto should have done. I will protect this village with my life – after all, I have nothing to fear of death: all those I love and care for are waiting for me in the afterlife. I act like a happy, mischief-maker, constantly annoying and playing pranks on those around me in a loving way, just as Naruto would have. But at the same time I can be thoughtful and deadly silent just as Sasuke was, forever watchful and suspicious. I now have a foul temper that none dare to mess with just as my last teacher had. I have also devolved an unhealthy taste in reading material and a proneness for being late just as a certain odd-eyed man I once new had.

I do not know when or how I devolved such mannerisms, but I have them now, and I will carry on the legacies of those they belong to by continuing to act the way I do now. By acting like this, using such mannerisms and habits, I will always have a piece of those I miss in my scratched heart.

But even so, I am so lonely. I have many people surround my desk everyday, but still I feel no love, nor warmth…is this how Sasuke and Naruto felt as children? Is this the pain they shared that I never truly understood? Maybe sharing such a pain is what drew them together as lovers? I guess I'll never know, they're gone now, I can never ask them.

The life of a ninja is lonely. We all fall to our graves with a heart full of regret and guilt. We all die sinners with stained souls…

…And I am no different.

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**And viola, there you have it .**

**Like it all except for the Kakashi death bit…and I guess Sakura taking on all her past teammates and teachers mannerisms...**

**Thought I'd leave you with both this and _The Fault Lies With Me_ both in one night because I won't be writing for a while because I have like 3 weeks of school left and I'm over loaded with assignments and tests . **

**Please review, kk? Flames and criticism welcomed too. I need to know how to improve, and you can help .**

**People really need to learn how review lol, wounds so deep has over 1200 hits but only 10 reviews...Is it that bad? Lol**


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